I see all those things, around me and in my head. A certain scene, a certain feeling, moments… places… towns, buildings, oceans, people, a vibe… and it is so hard to not be able to explain all the visions and emotions that I see, the amazing feelings that arise from a memory, a sudden scent that overwhelms me. The smell of something is the greatest trigger of amazing visuals, ecstatic feelings, and also some very scary thoughts of otherworldly experiences.
I can only describe it as really sexual. With thoughts and emotions tingling, vibrating and running up my spine to my chest, like a pleasant and ecstatic electricity running through my body… this electrical charged sensation that triggers certain feelings, visions and dreams at night. I find it weird that sometimes when I tell people, they don’t seem to know what I mean… and they say: How can this be, can you show me how to feel that…? But all I can say is ‘you have to find it, within yourself.’
My dreams can be almost victimising, I’m the main character and yet a passive witness, surrendering to some sexual entitiy that comes to me in different forms each night. It feels like being a sex servant to some higher being, or that I am a bringer of this energy, like a priestess, whose purpose is to pass it on. And indeed, others react to my energy quite strongly, and the more I pass it on, the more of it I receive. I kinda feel like a succubus. And there certainly is nothing pornographic or primitive about it. I feel like it’s spiritual, magical… alien. It keeps me young anyway.
And sometimes I loose this energy. Because sometimes my high, happy vibe it is sucked out of me in a moment by, yes, other people. Sometimes I am surrounded by a person or a crowd that in my eyes is so completely non-sexual, in other words, lifeless, with no electricity in them. And suddenly I loose mine. And when I loose mine, I suddenly disconnect and I feel nothing. And this really is depression to me.
This sensual feeling is life, and I love it so much. It is a gift to be passed onto other living creatures. I love to inspire and to get it back from other charming people with good vibrations.
And I try to express it through my artistic expressions, but often it is so hard to bring it across I feel. So, I just keep going…